Thursday, July 01, 2004

Seattle is great...for any number of reasons

Aaron and Jen

Seattle was amazing. It was a great trip. I spent nearly every waking moment either with Jen or Rachel (or getting lost on the way). Jen reads this blog, but it's nothing she doesn't already know: We had an incredible time, and I've never felt as comfortable with someone as I did with her. I felt at ease, and those who read this know that that's a rare feeling for me. I was, for nearly 4 days largely without worry. Sidenote: her apartment is really sunny, and the mountains were out, and she's silly, and seems to honestly value my view of things. All of which are very powerful worthwhile things that you can't see in this photo but are most assuredly part of the reason for my smile.

It's made coming back to work here in Fort Collins really hard. Somedays (like today) I am fighting with myself. I am fighting to stay focused, to feel useful, to keep at bay the demons of self doubt and self loathing that come from this line of work and specifically from the aching loneliness of being at the tip of the spear by your self. I'm used to big races with big staffs. This is neither. I call Buffy every day. She's the only Coloradoan who knows what I'm going through. She is going through the same thing. Isolation. Fatigue. Decidedly too little kool-aid.

But *then*, there is that photo above. It's cheerful (lots of primary colors and Ikea furniture) and I figure I can probably push through to November 2nd with a little help from my friends.

Tomorrow will be better, Mark Udall is coming. But today, and moreover tonight, I'm trying to fight with all my instincts which say why bother. Melodramatic, probably, but I am giving myself some license, I need it.

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