Wednesday, January 31, 2007

You know you get a goalie, right?

Did someone tell Thailand that you get to have a goalie in hockey?

Kazakhstan beat Thailand in hockey pool play 52-1. That's kind of a dick move, to beat a team by 51 goals. It's not like a 15-1 drubbing would have been less resounding. Were the Kazakhstanis playing for fantasy points? Were they recruited to play by Spurrier? Granted it's not like Thailand is known for its ice. I mean, hell, Thai Iced Tea is about the only time I associate ice and Thailand.

I don't know much about hockey, but given that a normal sized person accounts for like 80% of the total area of the goal, shouldn't sheer size mean that you'd block a few. Just random chance.

Apparently two goalies did manage to stop 39 shots. That means there were 90 shots fired at the goal. I guess they stopped more than 40% of the shots. Oddly enough they did a better job of tending the net than the Kazakhstani goalie who allowed one goal on four shots. So maybe it's less about the Thai goalies. Let's go through a checklist, were the forwards given skates and sticks. Because those are both pretty important. Maybe instead of skates they were given stilettos, with 4 inch heels? Another concern, did the Thai center have his helmet facing open side out. Because it doesn't work nearly so well if you have it on backwards. Seriously, allowing 90 shots and only taking 4. Do you figure they were aware that you can take the puck away. Or were they used to playing some variation of flag-hockey where you have to grab the flag upon which time the offensive player gives you the puck. Were they starting John Mark Karr?

Shamik points out that maybe the progeny of Yule Brenner wouldn't make the best hockey squad. However it would equip them well for discussing the scoring in the game.

Hockey player to reporter: "First they scored a goal. Et cetera. Et cetera . Et cetera."

I have been thinking more about this and have some suggestions. At some point, say when you're losing by 20 goals, don't you figure the coach has to start thinking of silly plays. I mean Jesus, you're getting killed, you gotta do something.

1) I'd line 3 or 4 players around the crease, a la soccer players during free kicks. Clearly covering their junk.
2) Give the goalie two sticks.
3) Take the goalies big catching glove and give it to a player whose only job is to go around crazily skating and screaming in either Thai or Kazakhstani "I am lobster man."
4) Try the wedge play from Mighty Ducks
5) Hell, try the picket fence from Hoosiers.
6) Give one player an acetelyne torch to melt the ice immediately around the crease.
7) Call in a bomb threat
8) Start heckling their players "BOOORR - AAAA - TTT. BOOORR - AAAA - TTT."
9) Come out for the second period dressed like Disney Characters and try to convince the Kazaks that they are interrupting your performance of Disney on Ice.
10) Take out the little lightbulb in the red light that signals goals.
11) Whenever a Thai player gets the puck have him sprinkle rock salt all around himself as he moves, slowing down the opposition.

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