Know when to run

So Kenny Rogers is by all observable evidence a big cheater-head. Granted, he's cheating in a time-honored way. In baseball cheating by doctoring the ball is common and it's given a tsk-tsk and ignored. But that's because people are rarely caught, and certainly even less frequently caught, uh..."mud handed," in the World Series.

Now, according to nearly everyone the substance on Kenny Rogers' hand is pine tar. It's useful for getting a better grip on the ball, and allows a pitcher to generate a little more velocity because of a tighter spin on the ball.

Rogers' claims that it was a patch of mud. Just simple mud that happened to be there and you know he never noticed it. Surely that explains the matter. I mean I was a pitcher in little league and many were the times when I'd be shocked to find out that I was wearing boxing gloves while pitching. Or I'd look down and realize I was holding a parasol. Things like that happened basically every start. Because how on earth could a pitcher be expected to know what was on his hand. They're rarely used in the performance of the duty, and surely in a game as important as home start in the World Series, Kenny Rogers wouldn't be focused on details such as his pitching hand. Instead I'm sure he was calculating the bond rating for the City of Boise, or crafting a rebuke to Nietzsche's notion of the ubermensch. You know things like that. But mud, or pine tar on his hands, never.

And then there is the little matter of the fact that he's had the same mud on the same hand in the same place for at least three starts-- including his last two. I have to strongly caution Kenny Rogers to avoid all contact with dirt. I suggest placing his hand in the case used by David Duchovny in Zoolander.

I guess there is another explanation, one that's so obvious that it's sad. Maybe the Detroit Tigers have been tragically skimping on their dugout budget and have a terrible shortage of toilet paper. I guess that's another explanation. I wonder if we'll hear that one. I wonder if Moises Alou can offer insight on these matters.