Monday, July 18, 2005

One Down

It's been nearly 4 years since I took a job without knowing in some concrete fashion that it would end and that it would end relatively soon. Now, some ended in ways I couldn't have ever imagined, but that they ended was never a surprise. Now I find myself starting a new job, that doesn't have to end. I could, conceivably, work for BRS for 2 years, for 6 years for the rest of my life. It's like I've gone from being Sam Malone to married. It's a little daunting. It's always been one down, X to go, or "it's only 15 days and a wake up." Now it's an indeterminate length of time. It's at once reassuring and a little strange.

As for the work itself it was pleasant. I found my office mates to be kind and welcoming. Today's tasks were well within my limited range of skills...transcription and fiddling around with a graph in Word. While not life changing, they are tasks that I can easily and competently perform. I'm sure that tasks will improve and that I'll begin to really learn a lot soon.

In other news and better updates: I played with DC Nasty ( We played in the midst of a heat advisory. It was sweltering and 70%+ humidity. It's always a bad sign when your Dri-Fit wicking fabric is unable to move the moisture because the air is already too saturated to accept any evaporate. I played relatively well. I had one layout that won me the affection of my teamates for the next few weeks. People were shocked and stunned...I covered a lot of ground and laid out (parallel to the ground) at a height of about 3 1/2 feet. I only wish I could have seen it myself. I then got up and threw for the score. Turns out I can play. And when I eat before I play I don't feel like I'm about ready to die, even when it's awful out. So I will take that as a key lesson.

My sister is coming the Sunday for a visit. She and a friend are driving out (not exactly sure about what they'll do with the car) and staying with me from Sunday night to Wednesday morning. I'll try to think of fun touristy things for them to do. I'll probably send them to the mall on Monday or Tuesday. And then on the other day maybe Georgetown. I welcome suggestions from those who know.

The past couple weeks have been strange. I've had a pretty much unbroken streak of good news (seeing friends, playing frisbee, getting a job) and yet I have trouble shaking this doubt, this sense that I'm failing or at least not doing as well as I should. It's frustrating. Because it's not like there is a single thing to which I can point and say, this is what's bothering me. I think part of it is that since the first few months of my relationship with Jen everything has seemed less thrilling. None of the recent good news feels as powerful as that. Which I guess is a testament to just how fortunate I was to feel those feelings, but I wish I had other things that were as exciting. Those first few months were like skydiving compared to the teacups rides of the months that folowed. I have to recalibrate what it means to be happy, to something less heroic and more sustainable. I'm planning on not worrying about things too much this week, and not focusing on the doubt or depression, or frustration, or whatever this feeling is. I feel like having a job, a routine, maybe even a few dates will help me to start to feel more like a productive member of society. And finally, worrying about money (which is a hobby of mine) is something I'm just going to have to let go of. I cannot make things better by worrying about them. (Thus ends the most "journaly" entry I've written in a good long while).

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